In the past, Nava and I used to exchange books everytime we saw each other, but recently she has converted over the dark side, buying a Kindle, and using it for traveling. And even though I exclaimed that I couldn’t go through with it and purchase one myself, everytime I see Nava I steal her Kindle and try to read as many books as possible during the time we are together. In Mexico, I read on the beach, in the car, at the restaurant, etc., and refused to let Nava enjoy her own Kindle. Perhaps this bothered Nav a little too much, or perhaps she is just the most generous sister ever, but today I got this in the mail:
Hello New Husband
I was so excited, I couldn’t believe it. It is so teeny, and light, and will go with me everywhere! I have already started downloading all the chick-lit that I feel bad carrying around with me on the bus because people are judgmental. Thank you sister! Thank you Amazon!
Unfortunately, my euphoric state didn’t last too long. If you look at my last post about the Kindle and my feelings about making the leap to electronic books, Barnaby made a comment about how the word “Kindle” is too closely associated with starting a fire, ie – burning books. Remembering this comment reminds me of a thousand other conversations I have had with Barnaby, and makes me so sad that I cannot call him now to tell him about my new toy. This is not the first time something has reminded me of Barnaby in the past few days, but I often try not to delve too deep into it. But I still think about him all the time, and while we were in Cuba, I dreamt about him. Simple dreams, Barnaby is coming over for dinner, Pedram is cooking, we are all joking, and then I tell him to apologize to us for leaving us. Waking up from these dreams is bittersweet — I have new memories, so I feel great, but I realize it is all just a dream, and that, in reality, I will never have new memories with Barnaby.
And this is the point where it hurts again, and the tears start flowing. I know the truth — I will never have new memories, only the past. But I cannot seem to accept this, I keep trying to find another way to cheat the system. Fine, he is dead, I will admit that I will never see him again. But can’t we just talk somehow? I need to know what he thinks about the Kindle!! I am moving to England! We need to discuss this. I spoke to Barnaby about the possibility of moving to England many times, and we brainstormed together about our potential lives in the same city. To be there and not explore those opportunities, it just doesn’t seem real to me.
I know now that people who care about me are worried, most likely want to call me and reassure me, and I appreciate their concern. But a friend, one who has lost his own brother, once wrote something about Barnaby’s death that resonated so clearly to me. He said grief is like carrying a heavy bag on your shoulders. Although you become stronger and carry the burden, the bag never becomes lighter, it never disappears. And so I ask that you not worry too much about me, that I am just growing the muscles it takes to carry this loss. And with my new friend Kindle, I am not too lonely at all.
However, on that note, I do want to bring a point on mental health. The devastating event in Tucson is deeply deeply disturbing, and I am not interested in getting into the politics of it. I do, however, want to discuss the mental state of the assassin, and it is clear that he is very very ill. There is so little we know about these types of illnesses, and because of stigmas, there is so little we do about them. I know too many stories of people who didn’t seek help because they didn’t know how to, or where to go, or were in denial and needed a nudge. As a community, we need to be responsible for each other, supporting each other, and helping those who may not ask for help. Obviously, Jared Loughner shouldn’t have been able to purchase a gun. But I really feel there is more to the story than that. And that those who really need help often do not get it, and the result is depression, isolation, anger, and often suicide.
Those are my two cents there. I feel better now that I have spilled my guts. Now I am going to go spoon my new Kindle.
